Joy comes in the morning

There is a praise song I have loved since the first time I heard it. It is based off Psalm 30 and says "There may be pain in the night but Joy comes in the morning. Your love never fails."

God has been doing some major work on me. I have to admit, I haven't made it very easy on Him either. Luckily for me, He never leaves my side. I am one of those hard headed girls. I never learn my lesson the first time. I mean it only takes me about a hundred times before I'm like "OH, maybe I am supposed to learn this". The last two years have had some major life changes. I know God has worked them for the good, regardless of the fact that for some of them I threw big tantrums. My whole world has been turned upside down, where I don't even recognize life as I knew it.

I wish I could say the last two years haven't been painful. They have been some of the most painful two years I have ever had. I had spent a few years fixing my life right up nice and tidy. I had good friends, good routine, and while life wasn't perfect, it fit my cookie cutter mold I had in my mind of what a great life looked like. Maybe I was too comfortable, but honestly I think I had just gotten so comfortable with God that I neglected him in some ways. I was still going to church. I was still reading my bible. I had just lost the relationship aspect. It was just a religious behavior. I was just "doing" the things I was "supposed" to do.

Everything changed for me this spring. It was sudden. It was quick. There was no turning back. I was convicted of so many things all at once. I realized I had taken on behaviors of those around me. They weren't all "sinful" behaviors either. It's kinda like that saying," Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Some of these behaviors were like rotting fruit for my life. STINKY! I had to take a step back and "check myself before I wrecked myself".

The day I had my surgery so many things went through my head right before they rolled me back. What if this was it? What if I didn't wake up? What if it came back worse than we wanted? What if I did wake up? Yes, that one was in there too. As they gave me the magic cocktail and rolled me down the hall, I prayed very hard. I prayed God's will be done, that I would have the strength to deal with whatever laid ahead, and that I would have some very major changes post surgery.

I am thankful to say, while there was pain in the night, the joy does come in the morning. The last three months I have spent a lot of time in reflection. I have spent a lot of time in prayer. I have spent a lot of time in nature, because that is where I feel closest to God. I have had to say goodbye to some things, things I had never wanted to give up. I had to say goodbye to old ideals and thought patterns. I had to say goodbye to some people whom I loved dearly. Yet, while obeying God, He has brought some of the deepest peace to me that I have ever known. There is a quiet inner joy that I have not had in so long. I didn't even know I was missing it, probably because I was just too busy doing "stuff".

While I know that while I am on the mountain top now, there will be valleys at some point again. I feel closer to the Lord now than I have ever felt before. I know that He walked with me through my depression, getting me the help I needed. I know he walked with me through the good times too. I know He will continue to walk with me going forward. Where I am now doesn't look like I thought it would, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Psalm 5:3
Lord every morning you hear my voice. Every morning I tell you what I need and wait for your answer.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you "Do not fear; I will help you."