Embracing change

Well, we are wrapping up this year's home school adventure. Never in my teaching days, in schools or when I started homeschooling, has a school year been this tough. I literally had to pray and ask if this was indeed what I should be doing. So what changed this year? I have been using the same curriculum since Autumn was two. I have loved this curriculum so much. This year it just wasn't working. They had made some changes, but honestly it was just my kids and me changing as well. So about half way through (we school on a funky schedule), I began praying for answers. I knew we couldn't afford a new curriculum and scraping what we had. So I knew we had to plow through this one, and prepare better for the next one.

I take a month off in December. It is such a busy month and cramming school in then is just stressful. Since we start school in July, it gives me flexible time. In December, I started reading to my kids daily. It was something that was placed on my heart and so I did it.  I read all kinds of books. The time we spent together was one of my favorite times. It healed parts of my heart to be able to enjoy time with them, and not be fussing to get school complete. It was during this time that I figured out some things about my kids, Mitch especially. Mitch is a great reader, but he was struggling with some of the more complicated words. By reading to him, when we started back to school it was like there was never an issue. He read better than he had read before Christmas. I also noticed that Autumn began writing more. Her stories made more sense and she loved writing. So I began to look for a curriculum that might possibly encourage those things,

I found one! I am so excited to place the order and get this stuff in. It is a nontraditional schooling that is literature based. Basically, I need to get out of teacher mode, and think outside traditional school type work. I know my kids will flourish with this curriculum, if anything it will be changing my mindset that will cause me the most issue. I know this is what God wants me to do though. I love that our new curriculum places importance on missionaries. I love the way that the Bible is taught, and how we connect other subjects to God's word as well. I love that I will get to spend time reading with my children. I love learning along with them, yes I still learn with my kiddos. (This may only work for a certain season, so I am also more flexible now to changing out curriculum.)

Most of all, I love learning to embrace change. I haven't always embraced it but I have learned that God has different plans for different seasons. I have learned to never get to comfortable with a season, because soon a new season will come. Change is beautiful, and I am so happy to see some changes in me as well. 

Joy comes in the morning

There is a praise song I have loved since the first time I heard it. It is based off Psalm 30 and says "There may be pain in the night but Joy comes in the morning. Your love never fails."

God has been doing some major work on me. I have to admit, I haven't made it very easy on Him either. Luckily for me, He never leaves my side. I am one of those hard headed girls. I never learn my lesson the first time. I mean it only takes me about a hundred times before I'm like "OH, maybe I am supposed to learn this". The last two years have had some major life changes. I know God has worked them for the good, regardless of the fact that for some of them I threw big tantrums. My whole world has been turned upside down, where I don't even recognize life as I knew it.

I wish I could say the last two years haven't been painful. They have been some of the most painful two years I have ever had. I had spent a few years fixing my life right up nice and tidy. I had good friends, good routine, and while life wasn't perfect, it fit my cookie cutter mold I had in my mind of what a great life looked like. Maybe I was too comfortable, but honestly I think I had just gotten so comfortable with God that I neglected him in some ways. I was still going to church. I was still reading my bible. I had just lost the relationship aspect. It was just a religious behavior. I was just "doing" the things I was "supposed" to do.

Everything changed for me this spring. It was sudden. It was quick. There was no turning back. I was convicted of so many things all at once. I realized I had taken on behaviors of those around me. They weren't all "sinful" behaviors either. It's kinda like that saying," Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." Some of these behaviors were like rotting fruit for my life. STINKY! I had to take a step back and "check myself before I wrecked myself".

The day I had my surgery so many things went through my head right before they rolled me back. What if this was it? What if I didn't wake up? What if it came back worse than we wanted? What if I did wake up? Yes, that one was in there too. As they gave me the magic cocktail and rolled me down the hall, I prayed very hard. I prayed God's will be done, that I would have the strength to deal with whatever laid ahead, and that I would have some very major changes post surgery.

I am thankful to say, while there was pain in the night, the joy does come in the morning. The last three months I have spent a lot of time in reflection. I have spent a lot of time in prayer. I have spent a lot of time in nature, because that is where I feel closest to God. I have had to say goodbye to some things, things I had never wanted to give up. I had to say goodbye to old ideals and thought patterns. I had to say goodbye to some people whom I loved dearly. Yet, while obeying God, He has brought some of the deepest peace to me that I have ever known. There is a quiet inner joy that I have not had in so long. I didn't even know I was missing it, probably because I was just too busy doing "stuff".

While I know that while I am on the mountain top now, there will be valleys at some point again. I feel closer to the Lord now than I have ever felt before. I know that He walked with me through my depression, getting me the help I needed. I know he walked with me through the good times too. I know He will continue to walk with me going forward. Where I am now doesn't look like I thought it would, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Psalm 5:3
Lord every morning you hear my voice. Every morning I tell you what I need and wait for your answer.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.

Isaiah 41:13
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand, and says to you "Do not fear; I will help you."

Wicked curve balls that save your life

You know when you get some news. Life changing news. Even if you knew it was a possibility, the stark news becoming reality shocks you and sends you through every emotion you have. I truly believe that sometimes these wicked curve balls are needed. It was for me. I was way too comfortable. I was in a funk. I wasn't living up to my potential. I wasn't living my best life.

Enter said curve ball-- it took me a few days to settle into to the reality. I was sitting on my back porch, which I do all the time, thinking about everything. I was looking up at the hundreds of stars I could see. It was there that my perspective change. I felt the attitude shift. The light switch was turned on. It was never gonna be the same. I wasn't ever gonna look back again.

I decided to be truly happy.... not just for a moment or when something good happened. I will be happy and joyful all the time. I will do the things that make me happy. I also stopped doing the things I felt obligated to do that made me absolutely miserable. I stopped saying yes to stupid stuff. I stopped doing things just because I felt like I had to do them. I started saying it wasn't a priority. I became grateful for everything, whether it was the birds singing in the morning to my neighbor mowing his grass at six in the morning. I refuse to give this up ever again.

It put me on a self love journey that should have happened years ago. I've always been overly critical of myself, always striving for perfection. Suddenly that just seemed idiotic. I began seeing my body as amazing. I mean it made two of the most precious children in the world. It's got me through so many health scares. It's put up with me taking bad care of myself. It's worked hard to get me back in the best shape I've ever been in my life. It hasn't failed me. I stopped thinking about all the things I needed to do better or where I fall short. I began seeing truly how far I've come. I saw the things I wanted to improve as a journey and became excited instead of depressed.

It made me wanna push myself. I want to do every scary thing I've always been afraid to do. I want to grab life by the balls and tell it to hang on tight. It doesn't know who it's messing with here. I'm a warrior princess. I am going to savor every life moment. I am never gonna forget all these amazing things. I will adventure more. I will shift  my priorities and start  doing things I've wanted to do but always put on the back burner. I began smiling nonstop as I worked harder, loved harder, and played harder than I ever have.

Basically I am going to do all the things that sets my soul on fire and makes me feel passionate about life.

So thank you life. This curve ball was needed. I think you knew that though. Here's to you... I'll make you proud

Entertaining angels

   I am a believer that we have guardian angels. I also believe that some of them are our family. My next door neighbor growing up tells me that I used to talk to my dad in the sky like he was sitting next to me. Kids are innocent so I tend to think they hear them more than we adults do.

    When Autumn was 2, she came into our room about 2am one night. She was a good sleeper and had never done that before. She said Jason's Pop-paw had said goodbye. I thought she was dreaming until about an hour later we got the call that Pop-paw had passed away 5 minutes before Autumn came to wake us up. I fully believe he came to tell her goodbye.

     This leads me to my current angel visiting me as I like to believe. I have relatives who visit my dreams. It used to depress me but I soon realized they always had some word of wisdom that later came in handy. They know that I can't learn a lesson the first time, I gotta learn it five or ten times before "I get it".

     Lately it's been my Popaw in my dreams. He's not one that comes in dreams a lot for me. My Popaw was a farmer. He loved nature and he loved to paint it. The day that he died, I was sitting on my patio crying. A mama doe brought her twins into my backyard. My backyard became their playground that summer. They always came on days I was anxious, sad, or had some hurdle I was trying to jump. I just always knew it was Popaw. The timing was always perfect and always lifted my spirits. The deer became so used to me I could slip outside and watch them for an hour. Mama doe always knew I was there but she let them stay. The last two years like clock work a mama doe brings her twins to my backyard to play.

     Right after my Popaw died, I also started finding four leaf clovers. I remember as a kid him leaning down and picking one to show me. I had never had found one before. That summer I found over 50. I pressed them and made them into bookmarks. They were everywhere I went. Last summer, they started showing up everywhere again about the same time. I didn't find 50, but I did find a good 25 last summer. I've been a little anxious and praying a lot about things going on lately. So it doesn't surprise me at all that I came across four 4 leaf clovers tonight at sunset. It's like a forehead kiss from him telling me everything is gonna be just fine.

Luke 4:10
10 For it is written: “ ‘He will command his angels concerning you to guard you carefully;

Hebrews 13:2
2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.

Scribble Scrabbles

"All art is but dirtying the paper delicately." ~John Ruskin

I love to draw and paint. I am not fantastic and have a lot to learn, but enjoy spending hours messing with a drawing until I have it the way I want. Here are a few things I have drawn this year. 

Face deep in weeds and God Speaks

     If you had told me as a young adult I'd be the lady with the huge flower beds... I would have laughed in your face. I hated pulling weeds as a child. HATED!!! Slowly but surely I have started one bed then another, just as both of my great grandmothers did. It just runs in our veins. If there is an open spot, I will dig it up and put a plant there. Nature is where I feel like God is right beside me, patting my shoulder and talking to me. It's when I feel closest to Him. I love sitting on my back porch, with my fountain running, coffee in hand, looking out at how beautiful nature is and thanking God for all this beauty.

     Every spring I do one big weed pull and tidy up session. This way I can just go along every day and yank the few weeds that pop up. I also prune back all the dead and fertilize.  It's during this time of pruning God reminds me of this verse.

John 15:1-2 says "I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."

     Every year I am reminded that God is pruning/cutting off the things of my life that are no longer needed. The last few years have been healing years for me. One where God brought people in my life to love me, to correct me, and to help me grow. So the pruning I had been getting, while uncomfortable, was understandable and even wanted. It hurt but I saw the fruit of it.

    For a while now though, everything I had gotten "comfortable" with seemed to be falling apart. The things that worked didn't work anymore. Everything I loved was changing. I was angry. I was heart broken. I prayed and told God both of these things. (Yes I told God I was angry at him. He knows I was no use in lying.) As spring came I was accepting the change better but still a little miffed (read: becoming bitter) by it at times. Which brings us to today, with me face deep in weeds and dead things needing to be pruned. I was taking care of my plants and talking to God. I was being very honest telling him he had pruned all the wrong things. (I know I know.).

     After 13 years in my house, I decided to do a major overhaul of my entire flower beds. I pulled up all of my great grandmothers bulbs and moved them to the fence row. I needed some greenery and flowers throughout the year. I just needed a change. I took a break and looked at the hundreds of irises laying all over the ground. That's when it hit me. God spoke to my heart "See those irises. Are those irises bad? Is there anything wrong with them?"  "Of course not God. They just don't fit in with the new plan I have in my head. The garden that will grow, stay green, and flower throughout the seasons. The garden that's easier to care for and that I can enjoy more. "

    There it was in a nutshell. The things I have been losing or have been changing were not wrong things or sinful things even. They were just "no longer for me" things. I loved these things, people, places, habits, and ideas. God's been and is continuing  pruning these things so I can grow, all the while I am over here throwing a tantrum and pouting. Boy do I feel silly now. That's when I thanked God for this incredibly hard season that I've been going through. I don't know what the plans are, but I know that everything happening will all be to prosper me and not to harm me.

    So as I close this long ramble up, I'm going to leave you with the two verses that came to mind as I finished planting my new flowering shrubs. These verses and my continued prayers while I worked today brought an instant peace and calm to my broken heart. I have hope once again. God is  growing me, teaching me, loving me, and healing me.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.You will seek and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Hello April... flowers from my garden